As Millennials and Snowflakes drag Boomer-Barbarians onto the newly discovered plains of civilization and enlightenment, we’re learning that we need various rules and treaties to ensure fair play. Since BBs spent all the money, depriving the enlightened generations of luxuries such as houses, and since they lead more moral lives anyway, they understandably have overlooked one area in particular that has become overdue for a treaty: for far too long, couples have had to deal with unauthorised migration by their partner onto their side of the bed.
As Robert Frost noted in his poem Mending Wall, good fences make good neighbours. It is important to establish clear borders and terms under which migration can occur. Although occasional bed tourism has generally been accepted, with summer nights causing additional stickiness and overheating, it is surely time to discuss a properly founded bed migration treaty. This Bedxit treaty should also cover other recently discovered marks of civilization such as consent, equality, diversity, discrimination the right to choose and so on.
With a Swiss partner, I am obviously well positioned to outline some general Bedxit principles that will need consideration. The Swiss are noted for their administrative enthusiasm, but I have found that provided I properly fill in and register all the required consent and risk assessment forms in advance, it can still be a good night. Negotiation of Bedxit should be simple.
First, we must all agree that partners from the other side of the bed can offer much needed talent and sometimes specialist skills, so it is everyone’s interests to ensure that suitable partners can be imported to provide them. Mutually agreeable and reciprocated terms will include agreement on sharing resources such as duvets and this must be worded to prevent abuse of monopoly. Compromises may be needed if one partner is too warm and wants to jettison the duvet while the other is too cold to do so. A duvet union may well be tempting even if single joint bed roaming zone is unacceptable.
Warmth welfare must of course be protected if any claim to civilisation is to be maintained. If one partner has especially cold extremities, the other partner is naturally obliged to provide warmth under a fair access policy, perhaps requiring a few minutes pre-warming before freezing cold feet may be placed on the warmer partner. Partners will need to agree terms for initiation and suspension of periodic warmth welfare activities such as spooning. Partners may not necessarily agree on duration, orientation and desired final temperature so clear signalling procedures must be determined for initiation and termination. It is also important to maintain a fair reciprocation tally to avoid abuse.
Sharing a bed amicably also requires a well constructed clean air agreement and especially important is a toxic emissions clause. While partners are sharing a common air supply, emissions of toxic gases needs to be avoided, or at least involve temporary excursion to a nearby bathroom. In the event of accidental release, timely partner notification and rapid evacuation may be needed. Emergency oxygen supplies may usefully be provided. This clause may also extend to cover limiting free roaming rights or provision of separate air supplies after excessive garlic consumption.
Similarly, a noise abatement agreement is essential to ensure human sleep rights. Signalling systems such as poking ribs or gently turning a partner to ensure cessation of snoring needs discussion. As for other forms of pollution, rights to breadcrumb-free sheets must be protected if one partner is fond of midnight snacking.
Many partners will benefit from a mutual research and exploration program, along with associated sports, fitness and leisure activities. Border protection may be temporarily suspended during such joint activity, with an appropriate single bed roaming agreement. Such activities may become extensive, especially during early years after the treaty comes into force, so it is important that partners cooperate in establishing common terminology and associated signalling such as body language or moaning to be used during initiation and subsequent stages of such activity. Equality of opportunity and access may suffice for some couples whereas others may prefer to ensure equality of outcome. Sports and recreational activities may involve unusual migration routes and high disruption on bed coverings. On some migratory paths and during some activities, access to sufficient levels of oxygen will also need careful attention to avoid unfortunate events such as partner death. Warmth welfare must not be compromised during activity and fair access to duvet must be ensured at all times.
Diversity is always a good thing and enlightened partners therefore need to consider agreeable terms for use of assorted costumes and regularly practice role diversity too. Specialist use of equipment may also be required and training may well be needed. Sometimes partners will not be available for niche skills from within the single bed zone and temporary immigration from other regions may therefore be required. Subject to mutual partner agreement, fair access to external markets may therefore need to be negotiated by either partner. Access to alternative service providers during certain times of the month may also need careful consideration.
Finally, since one partner will generally benefit from easier access to a nearby bathroom, or have control of valuable assets such as alarm clocks or lights, tariffs may be needed to level the playing field but to avoid privacy loss inevitably involved in disclosing any financial compensation to tax authorities, these can alternatively be implemented via assorted non-financial bed zone maintenance clauses. For example, partners may not always agree on choice of bed linen designs or frequency of laundering, let alone regimes for straightening of duvets and pillows, so delicate negotiations on tariffs and levies may trade tolerance of additional pillows, cushions and flowery designs for provision of early morning coffee or other beverages.
Once you have completed all these negotiations and have both signed a suitable treaty, remember, Bedxit means Bedxit.